Thursday, January 3, 2008

That Was Last Year...

2007, on a personal level, was quite the transitional year. Of course, you could say, “That’s a cope out. Aren’t all years, by default, transitional?” My answer is yes, yes they are but some are more then others! A lot happened this year. Not as much as SOME of my past years but still, a lot more then normal.

At the beginning of 2007, I was working part time and barely able to keep the lights on. The stress of those financial burdens was something I do not wish to go through again. In the face of possible eviction and lack of substantial groceries, I had to face some real hard decisions about my dream to become a freelance artist and writer as a step-dad in a family of five.

By March, I had taken a full time job I was not really fond of just to try and keep the boat above water. I started traveling a bit with it and then, by September, that job turned into something more. By October, I was on the way in a position I enjoyed and traveling all over the country. In relation to that, the boat’s gunwhale began to rise above the waterline as well.

I won't bore with all the details but so much more happened throughout the year. So much...

In October, I lost my grandfather, my Pa-paw. He was a very bright star in my life. Peaceful, watchful, generous, and quiet, I was by his bedside with my family as he passed. It was the most transitional and transformative event in my life. He is missed but I know that he is much better off and very happy. When I think of him, I still smile.

Underlying all of this throughout the year, I was struggling with something. It was hard to nail down at first. After deciding to hang-up the freelance guns due to finances, I realized I was dealing with a very serious loss of faith. It wasn’t, per se, a religious faith. It was a spiritual faith. IT was the faith that had caused me to leave my previous job and make a leap of faith. A certain trust in the Universal system that I had tested, adopted, and had seen work many times in the past.

I will say this, the fall through 2006 was fun. Long days of artwork, photography, and writing. Staying at home, taking care of the house, the kids, and looking for a way to make it work. Yet, by the beginning of 2007, with everything falling apart, I started having thoughts that caused me to doubt some fundamental beliefs in my system. I had to chew up and swallow the fact that I had failed. This stuck with me and built throughout the entire year and would worm its way around, whispering shadow thoughts in my ear at night.

That was the beginnings of the collapse. Other thoughts began to pour in. "If I was wrong about X, then what if I'm wrong about Y?" "If I was wrong about my intuition to pursue this dream, am I wrong about my other beliefs?" This continued until I was spending late nights thinking, "What if, really, there's nothing at the end. There is no continuance. This was my one and only shot at this Life?"

This sort of cleansing fire quietly burned for several nights. I say cleansing because, looking back, I can see that it most definitely needed to happen. Why do I say this?

Because nearly all of those thoughts began to disappear and dissolve after the events leading up to and past the event of my grandfather's death. And on the one night I came home after them, the minute I stepped out of my car, the sky above me was filled with stars and the coyotes began to howl.

Things became much more clear to me afterwards. Alot of things fell into place. I like to think of it as my grandfather's final gift to me.

As the year wrapped up, I was running in a straight line through four different events and four different cities around the country. We were dealing with a crucial family decision which kept me up late into the nights where, through the week, I had only 4 hours of sleep a night. Daily life began to blur and distort to the point that I really can't remember my life, day to day, in that period of time. Then, in mid-December, the wave broke all around me and I was surrounded by several days of peace, family, and resolution.

Looking 2008 squarely in the face I feel more solid, more grounded, more confidant, then I ever have before. I feel that, finally, I have something to share with folks. I have something to really share. That, with my life experience so far, I really do have something to give back, to help with. Something with peace, beauty, and maybe... just maybe.... some wisdom.

I hope so.

1 comment:

Knight of Shadows said...

Good to see you back. *smiles* I was thinking of you right around Christmas. Tace and I went to Texas for the holidays and managed to get to hear coyotes one night that we were out there.

*hugs*